He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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