people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
its liver damage thursday
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
