I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
