3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
