I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
