Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
In other news, I just burned my penis
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
