video games are the ultimate cock blocker
how do flat chested girls get laid?
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
