So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
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