Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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