I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
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We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
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Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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