His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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