Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
