Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
