Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
