You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
