listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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