So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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