I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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