Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
We left the knife in your bed.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
