don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
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You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
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I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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