The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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