if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
