i would punch a child for taco bell
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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