remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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