you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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