i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Randomize
