apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
