the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Randomize
