Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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