if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
