Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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