You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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