and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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