What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
