Your mouth is God's brothel.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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