So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
