I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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