I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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