CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
