oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Randomize
