I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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