So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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