god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Randomize
