This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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