The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
