You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I supernannyed him into submission
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
