I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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