Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
it was like eating out sand paper
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
