so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
We need to rekindle our bromance
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
