My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
