Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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