Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
