epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
