I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
