alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
