You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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