I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
