I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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